An Orchid Named Agatha

A couple of months ago, I bought an orchid at a Farmer’s Market right near my apartment. I’ve always loved flowers of all kinds, but there’s something special about orchids. They have an odd shape about them and they seem exotic in the world of flowers. I paid eight dollars in cash for the plant I would name Agatha and I set out to try to keep her alive. Having no domestic prowess whatsoever, it’s been quite the road that the two of us have been on.

The Sunday I bought my orchid was a beautiful time in my life. I remember that day so clearly. I was getting ready for a date and I had my favorite sandals on. I remember looking down at them as I placed the plant by my feet so I could unlock my apartment door. Once inside, I sat her in the middle of my counter and was amazed at the different colors tracing a pattern on her petals. She was the centerpiece of my kitchen. I was so so happy. That’s the only way I can describe that moment in time. I eventually moved her to my windowsill to make sure that she got plenty of sunlight. She was blooming and I was so proud of her.

Some weeks passed and something that had once been in my life came to an abrupt end.  I was in a dark place. Much like my beautiful orchid, I needed sunlight to bloom and get better. I’ve been frustrated with myself because the healing process hasn’t been as easy as I’d like. Sometimes a glimmer of past pain still manages to creep into my day and I get so angry at myself for the feelings I have. I was upset with myself for not bouncing back like I usually do. During this time, Agatha wasn’t doing so well herself. I had moved her to my office and within a week, all of her blooms were falling off. She had a cut in her stem that was no longer allowing water to reach all of her flowers. She was a representation of what I had been feeling on the inside for months. And do you know what I did? I threw her in the trash. The whole plant. I gave up on her.

Luckily, my dear friend Jess reminded me that flowers are able to be cut back and can then regrow…granted, it may take some time. I reached into the trash can and pulled Agatha out and sat her on my desk. I took my scissors and cut her stem past the irreparable spot. I gave her some fresh water. I gave her another chance. It will take a while for her to bloom again, but I bet when she does, she’ll be even more beautiful than before.

Agatha

“Look at the wildflowers and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?” Luke 12:27-28

Best Wishes,

O

 

Self(ie) Love

Curled up, tears running down my face, my phone clutched in my hand, I felt a hole in my chest. I felt an ache so strong, it truly felt like someone was crushing my heart. Figuratively, they were. The only word ringing in my ears was “hollow, hollow, hollow.” Hollow is how I felt. My bad habit of letting someone else determine my happiness had struck again. Rejection is a burning sensation- I could feel it vibrate through me. If he didn’t want me, then why would anyone else? But this isn’t about him; this is about me. The truth was, I didn’t want me. I was rejecting myself.

I went through the usual motions- I consumed a pint or two (or six) of Ben and Jerry’s; I curled up in the fetal position on my couch and cried because I felt sorry for myself. My best friends held me for hours at a time and made sure I could fall asleep at night because I was terrified to be alone. It’s sad that it takes a little heartache to make you realize what you have and what’s important in your life. In the past two weeks, I’ve seen more of my friends than I have in the past three months. I’ve made dinner dates and movie nights and I finally, finally went to church again. I’ve reconnected with some friends and leaned even more heavily on others. I slowly started cultivating the relationships (the real relationships) in my life. Most importantly, I started mending my relationship with God. The rejection I was feeling towards myself correlated most prominently with where I was currently in my Walk. Or rather, my Standstill. Because let’s be honest, that’s what happens for a lot of us. We get so comfortable in our lives and think we have everything under control that we stop turning to God like we should. We think our lives are perfect.

This is not to say that my life isn’t wonderful, because it really and truly is. But the things in this world that are perfect are thing’s like God’s love, and His grace, and His forgiveness. His willingness to let us stray from Him again and again and yet still welcome us back when we realize how far we’ve wandered. I think I needed a heartbreak to open my eyes to the bigger picture. And the bigger picture was that I didn’t accept myself, love myself, like I needed to. I was driving home after everything first fell apart and the song “By Your Side” started playing- “Why are you looking for love/ Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough/ To where will you go child/ Tell me where will you run.” Where would I run (or as I like to joke, “briskly walk” since I definitely don’t run). Well, I started to run to a bunch of different places actually.

I ran to people.

As I mentioned earlier, I started planning things with all of my friends. Part of this was because I was scared- scared to be alone, scared that  I was alone. I realized right away that this was a ridiculous thought because the last thing that I lack is friendship. I am surrounded by THE most beautiful souls. I had shoulders to cry on, yes, but more importantly I had ears to listen to me, arms to hug me, and voices to lift me up. I felt like I had an army rallying for me, around me.

I ran (this is the briskly walking part) outside.

One thing I always go back to is nature. I would get home from work and just go. Explore trails around my neighborhood, sit under trees by the pond, count ducks swimming in the lakes. I just wanted to be outside, away from my thoughts, away from everything. When I’m in nature, I can really start to see the big picture. My problems, fears, failures seem infinitely smaller because, well, they are.

I ran to God.

I changed the radio station in my car so that I wasn’t hearing “Sorry” by the Biebs every five seconds. I *actually* started reading my devotion every morning. And I went to church for the first time in months. On Sunday after church, I told my friend Tyler that we had to take a selfie together (as per usual) and as we took pictures, I realized that this time when I smiled for the camera, I meant it. I would say I finally felt like me again, but that’s not really true. I felt different. I felt happy. I felt…love for myself. I jokingly said, “Man, do we look like models in this photo or what?” I was so consumed by God’s love that it spilled over into my view of myself.

This is still a journey. I am not at the end. There will be days when I revert back to doubtful feelings. And there will be bigger heartaches for sure. In the grand scheme of things, this small snapshot in my life is very, very small. But it has taught me a lesson that’s been twenty-three years in the making: loving yourself is not easy and rejection is painful. But time really does heal all wounds and the people and priorities you place in your life allow you to find the inner peace that you spend so much time looking for.

So keep taking selfies and then look back on them and know that the reason you’re smiling so big is because you are loved. Truly.

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:

Best Wishes,

Olivia

 

 

 

A Thousand Miles Seems Pretty Far

Distance scares a lot of people. The word itself makes me picture a deep canyon that I can’t seem to cross. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on this word a lot because I’ve been missing home more than usual. This is probably surprising to everyone who knows me since I’ve always been the one taking every chance to keep exploring new places. This time last year, I was halfway through my College Program and I was never ever homesick. I missed my family and my friends, but I didn’t think twice about actually going home. I guess on the inside, I knew that I would be back home and in school soon enough. I wanted to drag out every day I had in Disney.

Now I’m in a wonderful new position. The possibility of staying with Disney grows greater every day and my mindset has shifted. Now I look back on my hometown, my college, my way of life in North Carolina, a little more lovingly. It has a different gleam than it used to. It’s a bittersweet feeling. I have definitely started to appreciate home more these days. I have become more thankful for how I grew up and the education I received and the people I surrounded myself with. It’s the funniest feeling to be in this impermanent state- not fully settled here in Florida, but knowing that I probably won’t be moving back home anytime soon.

Over the course of the last month and a half, I’ve been lucky enough to have home brought to me. My family and my best friend have made the trek to Florida to see me. Distance was not an obstacle and I’m 100 percent certain that if I was across the world instead of just a few states away, these people would still come to me. My Disney home and my home home have become so blended and it’s the most beautiful feeling.

I think it’s silly to be scared of distance, especially in our world today, because we have the power to travel so easily and the technology to stay so connected. As the Plain White T’s like to say, “A thousand miles seems pretty far, but we’ve got planes and trains and cars…” The world is so big and we are so small in comparison, but the desire to see it all does not scare me. If I’ve learned anything in the past few weeks, it’s that home is only as far away as you make it. The people you love will love you no matter if you’re down the street or in Timbuktu. And if you’re lucky, they might even follow you there.

     

    

Special thanks to Dad and Shannon, MawMaw, Mom and Steve, my precious siblings and Logan for showering me with love and hugs all the way down here in the sunshine state. I won’t really make you guys come to Timbuktu.

Major Dreams

When I first started college, I was an English Pre-Law major. I picked Campbell specifically because they had such a great law school and they were Christian based and I had just finished up my Mock Trial season in high school and I just knew it would be perfect. Freshman year, I took all general courses, so it wasn’t until my sophomore year that I really started getting into the “law” part of my Pre-Law track. Two weeks into my Ancient Political Thought class, I knew that I wanted nothing to do with that mess. I set up an appointment with my adviser that week to talk about changing my major. When I thought of all the different options, my one criteria was that I would take as few math classes as possible. I decided to just drop the Pre-Law part and stick with my English major. I consoled myself with the thought that I could still always go to Law School if I wanted. That’s also what I told my parents, who were a little concerned about my new plan.

I think English majors (and really all students studying the Humanities) get a lot of backlash from society. Nothing against teachers, but almost every single person who found out I was an English major assumed I wanted to teach. I wanted to shake them and tell them about all of my fantastic skills in communication, critical thinking, and problem solving, not to mention my grammatical prowess. I never worried too much about my future, but everyone else took it upon themselves to worry, or pity, me. Law school is concrete. A degree in Business or Economics is practical. An English degree, however, seems like a far-fetched dreamer’s major. Well, it should come as no surprise then when I tell you that I am the ultimate dreamer.

The reason that I write all this is to take the opportunity to tell you guys a little bit more about my job at Disney and how God knew my English degree would come in handy after all. I work in a department called Guest Experience Services, which means that those communication skills come in quite handy. I read and write emails all day, mainly about problems that Guests have. So those critical thinking and problem solving skills are much needed. And let’s not forget the importance of proper grammar! I finally get to take everything that I spent four years studying and apply it every day in the “real world.”

Most days, I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. In a world where college graduates are becoming more and more worried about their value in the workplace, I have been blessed in finding a place where I feel like I have a skill set that matters. One thing I love about Disney is the creative atmosphere that abounds everywhere. For an English major, I could not ask for a better environment to work and discover more about my passions. I wish this for every single one of my friends out there looking for a job, or still in school worrying about a job. Don’t worry, and most importantly, don’t let society’s pressures get you down. There is something out there waiting on your personality, and your abilities, and yes…even your dreams.

     

Best Wishes!!

Olivia

Pack Your Bags

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a bag packed and ready to go for my next step- when I was younger, it was for going back and forth from mom and dad’s house. It remained that way through high school with the addition of bags for swim practice or mock trial or a friend’s house. The bags became bigger and heavier when I moved to college, but there was still always that weekend bag tucked in the corner for trips home. I moved from my freshman dorm to my sophomore dorm, then finally to an apartment. Spring break trips, conference’s in different cities, and that still familiar weekend bag remained in place, but to my shock, I was packing everything up for a move to Florida for the Disney College Program. Five months passed and everything was stuffed into a trunk and taken back to North Carolina. Most recently, I moved completely out of my apartment at Campbell and back down to the Sunshine State (which is a really misleading name because I promise you, it rains EVERY day).

Now here I am again in a new city, sitting in my new apartment, and I can’t help but think about how God prepared me for this. While I put on a brave face, I’ve been scared out of my mind about this latest move. I guess I should be used to it by now, but I think that we humans crave that familiarity and comfort of one place called home. We get used to our surroundings and it’s terrifying when those surroundings change.  For me though, that one single home has never existed.  When I was little, I resented this. I remember carrying my bags to school when it was time to change households and I was embarrassed to walk in the classroom with all of my stuff. I joked that I was the “bag lady” to play off my feelings. Now, I carry my (Vera Bradley) duffels/backpacks/weekenders with so much pride, because they symbolize adventure for me. When I pack a bag, I know something exciting is about to happen, whether it’s seeing my beautiful family or studying abroad in Europe. My former worries about always having to pack a bag were lessons from God, telling me that I might not know what the plan entailed, but he most assuredly did.

I think this has all been a lesson, too, in material possessions. I really got a sense of our problem with material things while studying in Great Britain. Hauling a 50 pound suitcase down cobblestone streets and up the hills of Edinburgh was ridiculous. I joked so many times about how I was going to toss all of my belongings in the Thames. Since then, I have definitely tried to reduced the “stuff” and focus on myself instead. How am I prepared for travels and moves emotionally and mentally? That is way more important than how many shoes or purses I’m able to pack.

To sum it all up, I want to explain that I’m so grateful now that I learned to live with a suitcase in my hand. At the end of the day, I knew I always had a home, but my home has always been represented by people instead of a particular place. This applies to this new move back to Florida as well. I’m making new friends, I’m reuniting with old friends, and I have my family on the other end of the phone at all times. My actual dwelling has little to do with whether or not I feel at home (although I have to admit that this new apartment is the bomb and I’m definitely loving it). If my heart longs to travel this earth, God obviously knew that I needed practice in moving around. I can pack a bag like a champ and I’m just waiting on His next call.

Matthew 6:31-32 says, “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.”

My Detour

I remember sitting in the back seat of my mom’s rental car with tears in my eyes as she drove me away from the place that I had fallen in love with every day for five months. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from packing and from saying goodbye. I would start crying and then I would fall asleep on my Sulley pillow pet only to wake up and immediately start crying again when I realized what was going on. At one point, I posted a picture of me in front of the castle with the caption, “Mr. Disney, we have a lot of story left to finish.” I was not done yet and those were the words that I forced myself to hold onto as I returned to North Carolina.

I was so happy to see my friends and family again. I moved back into my room at school and worked at adjusting to college life. I posted sappy pictures every day about missing Disney (well, I still kind of do that) and I excitedly told everyone about my experiences. But for the first month back, I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I had never felt more alone. I was surrounded by people, but no one really understood. I have always been a person of faith and I shamefully lashed out at my God sometimes. I would lay in bed and ask him, “Where is my life going now?” or “Why can’t things be how they were?” I was so angry and frustrated because I didn’t know what He was doing with my life and I wanted answers now. I was broken. I was human.

With the arrival of Spring, I felt my heart finally start to melt again. It had been frozen and locked up for too long. I never really understood sayings like “Sunshine is good for the soul” until I experienced it for myself. I would walk outside and feel warmth and see trees budding and I felt my soul grow lighter. My prayers turned from questioning God to asking him to do with me what He wanted. I was run down. I was tired of fighting. I prayed over and over again, “God please hold my heart because it hurts too much. I can’t heal it, but you can.” In all honesty, I just wanted to be happy again and I finally, finally realized that the only way to be happy was to be living entirely for God. Not for Olivia, but for Him. That was a hard battle to fight. I didn’t want to give in. I wanted what I wanted because I’m a selfish human being. Luckily, God looks past all that nastiness and He never let me go throughout this whole period of hurt and confusion.

On the brink of finding myself again, God threw me for another loop. I got the phone call that I had been waiting on for months and I was offered a Professional Internship with Disney. If the theme of this story has anything to do with tears, then it comes full circle when I tell you that I started crying on the phone with my recruiter. I accepted my PI joyfully, but also humbly because I knew that it was not me who got it, but it was through God’s will.

My story (at least this particular part of the story) wrapped up fairly quickly. In a four month span, I watched God change my heart from praying for what I want, to earnestly wanting what He wants. I am not telling you this to make my story sound perfect (because it’s far from that) or to get you to believe that we always get what we want in the end (because that’s not how life works), but to tell you that the most important thing you can do is to have hope in our Father. I shared this verse with a friend today, and in doing so, I realized how perfectly it applies to my own life. Romans 5:3-5  “We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

I start the next part of my Disney story on June 10th, but really, it’s just a continuation. I’ve finally realized that it was never gone to begin with; God just had a few detours for me.

Adventure is Out There!

I think that everyone connects with movies for different reasons. Maybe the love story reminds you of your own. Or maybe you cry during a sad scene because you’ve been in a similar situation. Disney movies of course invoke lots of feelings in us dreamers and storytellers. I think that especially for my generation, it has a lot to do with the fact that we were raised on Disney. I was born during what many refer to as Disney’s “Golden Age.” This isn’t just some fancy name made-up by the all the Disney nerds. It represents a new era for Disney’s movie career in which many of our most beloved films were born and in a sense, rejuvenated the movie scene.  Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, and a whole host of other movies stem from this “Golden Age.” These movies, along with many other Disney movies, offer lessons that we as the audience can either brush aside as just a film franchise telling a story, or that we can learn from and apply in our own lives. It’s all what you make of it.

When I look back on the movies I watched as a child, I can think of a million different messages I was presented with. As I’ve entered my adult life, I have started to cherish the sayings of my favorite characters even more. What strikes me most is how Disney encourages the young and old alike to pursue their dreams and to have great adventures. I crave adventure more than anything in this world, but what I’m learning is that life itself is an adventure. It’s what you make of it. And I think that maybe the “boring” parts of life are a necessary evil to remind us to keep adventuring and to help us remember why we love adventures in the first place. Working at Animal Kingdom definitely kept my adventuresome spirit going. One ice cream cart was directly across from the Wilderness Explorers station (from the movie Up). I would see kids and teenagers and grandparents and other college program participants getting their maps and their badge guides and setting off to explore. What an encouraging message. As the movie says, “Adventure is out there!” We’re told this is in the movie and then we get to apply it in the parks. Then we can take it outside of the parks and we can just keep exploring and adventuring in the “real world.” From script to film, from film to flesh, what affects us in the movies affects us in our actions. I’m so glad that the movies I watched every night, my eyes wide and my head full of dreams, told me that adventure is out there. That dreams are just around the riverbend. That I can go the distance. That there’s a whole new world waiting to be discovered. Cliche? Sure. Truth? Absolutely.

   

A Memory

One thing that Disney has given me are these little snapshots, frozen pieces of time, that are burned in my memory. One thing that my English major has given me is the ability to take a memory and turn it into words on the page. I once wrote a twelve page paper on a poem that was only twelve lines. I’m not great at math, but that’s a page for every line. That’s twenty-three lines for every one line of the poem I was analyzing (I googled it). My love of writing and my Disney experience go hand in hand because I love taking a single moment of my time in the place I love most and just examining every detail I can.

Okay, so for example, I still remember the day I first met Gaston. My roommate Jordyn and I had gone to Magic Kingdom for the day and I remember the park being so empty. We took pictures of each other in front of the castle and I remember standing there just in complete awe because no one else was around. It was just me and my Mickey ears, gazing up at the iconic structure that fills the dreams and minds of every Disney lover. My backpack was equipped with all the essentials: umbrella (because you never know when it will start raining in Florida), park maps (even though I never even needed to look at them), gum (for all those encounters with princes), and a can of coke. Wait, a can of coke? I know it doesn’t seem to fit, but this was a special can. Coke’s campaign for “Share a coke with (insert name here)” was all the craze and I had a can that said, “Share a Coke with your Soulmate.” I had it ready on the off chance that I would meet my soulmate in the Kingdom.

We made our way back to Fantasyland, my favorite section of the park, and Gaston was out and about. I’ve always found it interesting that Gaston is available for meet and greets because the villains can usually only be met on special occasions. However, when New Fantasyland opened with a focus on Beauty and the Beast (Gaston even has his own tavern in this section), I guess it only seemed fitting. Jordyn and I hopped in line and I was like, “Jordyn, this is it! It’s time to use the coke!” I was so nervous. No matter how many characters you meet, you still always end up just feeling jittery right before it’s your turn. (Sidenote: I met Aladdin a dozen different times on my program and I still felt like passing out every single time).I got to the front of the line and I sheepishly pulled the coke can from my bag. Gaston’s face was priceless. He was confused at first and then I explained that the coke said to share it with my soulmate. He busted out laughing. Oh man, I remember his laugh like it was yesterday. It was deep and loud. One of those genuine laughs that makes everyone else start laughing too. My cheeks were bright red from embarrassment, but he played along and took a picture (or 10) with me.

Does a color ever overwhelm your memory? What I mean is, do you associate a color with a certain memory you have. Maybe gray on a rainy day stuck in your house or blue on a perfect day spent by the ocean? My color for this memory is bright red. Gaston’s shirt is red and the coke can was red and my cheeks were bright bright red and the time of day caused the sun to slant just perfectly so that all my pictures are tinged with red. It’s ironic because I’ve never really been drawn to the color red before, but it’s fitting because red is a dramatic color. It’s associated with passion and action and love. Sounds like the color of a soulmate to me.

But alas, as I was leaving Gaston, I turned and saw the long line of girls behind me. While they may not have my level of creativity or foresight in sharing a coke with Gaston, they too were hoping to meet their soulmate in this devilishly handsome character. I didn’t let it bring me down though. Jordyn and I were lucky enough to score a reservation at Be Our Guest that night and that’s where I met my real soulmate- The Gray Stuff.

Alone in Disney- is this even a thing?

After finding out that I would be working at Animal Kingdom, I couldn’t wait to visit the park and look at it from my new perspective.  A little over a week after my check in, I hopped on the bus all by myself to check out what would become my “Home Park.”

Have you ever gone to Disney by yourself? It is the strangest phenomenon. You’re in a place with thousands of other people, and yet, you are alone. I was nervous when I first passed through the entrance, but I didn’t focus on the fact that I didn’t have a companion. I realized some pretty important things- I could move completely on my own. I set my own pace amid the sea of people around me. I assessed what I wanted out of the trip and I didn’t have to look for the approval of anyone else. I could veer off on any path I chose or sit and relax at any given spot and I didn’t meet any protest. Being alone in a place like Disney opens your eyes to see things that you wouldn’t normally have the time or patience to notice. I felt so…in control.

The next time I ended up at a park alone isn’t much of a happy story. I woke up that morning with a phone call that my Papa had passed away and here I was 500 miles south of the rest of my family. Now, being alone didn’t feel so good. Instead of feeling in control, I felt like the most powerless version of myself. This sounds funny, but I didn’t want to be with anyone and yet I didn’t want to be by myself any more. I put on big sunglasses to cover my eyes because I had been crying so much and I got on the bus for Magic Kingdom.

Who does that? Who goes to the “Happiest Place on Earth” after hearing horrifying news? When in Disney right… I just remember walking around and looking at all the bright colors and hearing the loud noises and it helped me to just block things out. I ended up in the back of the park in Storybook Circus where there were some tables and umbrellas set up. I pulled out my journal and just started writing and as I was writing, I started crying. A few parents yanked their kids away from me if they happened to get too close because I’m sure I looked like the craziest person on the planet. Here I am surrounded by flying elephants and circus music and I’m bawling my eyes out while scribbling away in a Mickey journal. It’s pretty funny when I look back on it actually. I went to Cinderella’s Wishing Well by the castle and I said good-bye to my grandpa. It was beautiful and it was healing and it’s a moment I’ll never forget.

As I walked back to the bus stop by myself, I saw my friend Jacob sitting on the sidewalk. It’s funny because I had been alone all day and I’m pretty sure God knew I couldn’t take it anymore, so he had someone waiting for me. I sat down beside him and asked him how he was and he told me his dog was sick and he was having a bad day. I burst into tears again and told him my grandpa died and he just looked at me and said, “Yeah, you win for having the worst day.” That’s the first time I had been able to smile since I found out the news.

I cherish the times that I was able to conquer the parks all on my own. It is such a unique experience. I went to the parks by myself when I was happy to explore and have adventures and be brave, and I went when I was sad to heal and to pray and yes, to still be brave. Luckily, I wasn’t ever truly alone because I had God right beside me and He surrounded me with some of the most loving friends you can imagine. I went to the parks countless times with them, but I also kept going back by myself every now and then because, well…together or alone, happy or sad, Disney is always magical.

What’s Your Reality?

What is reality? By definition, it means “The world or the state of things as they actually exist” or “A thing that is actually experienced or seen” (Oxford). While it has a dictionary definition, I don’t think it can be so easily summarized. There’s also the problem of each person experiencing a different reality. For example, most people consider Disney World the opposite of anything resembling “reality.” It’s full of characters based off of cartoons and storybooks that aren’t “real life.” However, I’m sure that if you were to ask Walt Disney, this fairytale world would very much be his reality. In five short months, it easily became my reality.

Like the definition states, it existed for me. I could touch it, taste it, smell it. It doesn’t get any more real than that, right? Since I’ve returned from my internship, it seems like everyone’s favorite statement is, “Oh, now you’re back to reality.” And while from their point of view I wasn’t living in the real world, that world was very real to me. There’s been a great disruption in my life and the aftershock I’m trying to manage now is to combine my two realities as I know them- a structured, academic, small town lifestyle and a fast-paced, multi-billion dollar company workplace. It’s tricky because I’m not the person I was when I left for Disney, and now I’m not the same person that I was in Disney. I can’t go back, but I can’t stay where I am because, well, I don’t really know where I am. I stumbled upon a quote the other day that really spoke to me. It says, “When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been…but now she had wings.” I don’t know the author of the quote, but they must have been feeling quite similar to how I feel at the moment.

I won’t figure out the answers to all my questions tomorrow, or the next day, or even the next day. I won’t stop missing Disney overnight. I will, however, keep changing. Joshua 1:9 reads, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And I can rest in this verse by knowing that no matter where I end up or where my “reality” is, God is right there with me. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. Keeping that in mind, I can keep moving forward.